
by Mirabai
(definitely not my real name)
A story in bullet points
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I went to a girl’s school and was scared of boys
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I went to a girl’s college and continued to be scared of boys
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I preferred to be around girls and women, always
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My family loved that I was scared of boy, that meant I was a very good girl
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I didn't know a single gay person till I was in my 20s
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At least not anyone that was openly gay (except on tv)
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I loved my best friend and was heartbroken when she fell in love and got married
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We were both 21.
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But I thought all best friends felt like that, and was therefore natural
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I was irritated by the presence of her husband and was terribly jealous of him
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We continued to stay in touch for years even though we lived in different cities
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Years later, it was best friend who introduced me to X. Two couples at dinner.X was gentle and sweet, within 6 months of meeting him I liked being around him
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X proposed and we got married after two years, we had a good time, mostly
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Something was missing, something felt tragic, something felt incomplete
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But I didn't know what. I only knew I yearned for something else even though I had a good life
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We spent 8 good years together, I had many crazy thoughts and feeling sometimes, but then, who doesn't?
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It was a good marriage and we had a 6-year-old son. We were as happy as I thought it was possible to be.
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In the 9th year of our marriage, I met A, a firebrand woman, who was openly lesbian.
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Never before had I encountered anyone like her.
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We had a crazy sexual affair for one full year, it was my first sexual experience with a woman and the second of my entire life (first being X, the husband).
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I had never even imagined anything like this, that this was even a possibility.
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I confessed to X; he went nuts. The next year was traumatic. I won't go into the details.
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Lawyers, NGOs, friends mediating. Not being allowed to meet my son.
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A very hurt and unforgiving ex-husband, a very disappointed ex-lover, parents in shock.
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It seemed like I had wronged everyone. I still had no clue what to do.
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Cut to: 4 years later. X and I are divorced. A and I have broken up.
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I feel like my life is a roller coaster, and I can't do anything, but ride on.
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I'm sometimes interested ONLY in men, sometimes ONLY in women, sometimes I'm clearly Interested in everyone.
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Two years ago, I heard the term pansexual. I thought that was what I was.
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Today, I feel like I have absolutely no sexual interest in anyone.
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I love the romance, but hate the sex, my therapist feels I might be asexual, for now.
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Twelve years ago, I was leading a quiet, happy life watching Star Movies, Nickelodeon and ESPN with husband and child.
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Today I'm a pot on the stove, boiling with rage and confusion.
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My life is a mess, but I'm happy, honest and the most authentic I have ever been in my life.
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Because I know that this is not the end my story.
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But this is certainly the end of this chapter.