I went to a girl’s school and was scared of boys

I went to a girl’s college and continued to be scared of boys

I preferred to be around girls and women, always

My family loved that I was scared of boy, that meant I was a very good girl

I didn't know a single gay person till I was in my 20s

At least not anyone that was openly gay (except on tv)

I loved my best friend and was heartbroken when she fell in love and got married

We were both 21.

But I thought all best friends felt like that, and was therefore natural

I was irritated by the presence of her husband and was terribly jealous of him

We continued to stay in touch for years even though we lived in different cities

Years later, it was best friend who introduced me to X.  Two couples at dinner.X was gentle and sweet, within 6 months of meeting him I liked being around him

X proposed and we got married after two years, we had a good time, mostly

Something was missing, something felt tragic, something felt incomplete

But I didn't know what. I only knew I yearned for something else even though I had a good life

We spent 8 good years together, I had many crazy thoughts and feeling sometimes, but then, who doesn't?

It was a good marriage and we had a 6-year-old son. We were as happy as I thought it was possible to be.

In the 9th year of our marriage, I met A, a firebrand woman, who was openly lesbian.

Never before had I encountered anyone like her.

We had a crazy sexual affair for one full year, it was my first sexual experience with a woman and the second of my entire life (first being X, the husband).

I had never even imagined anything like this, that this was even a possibility.

I confessed to X; he went nuts. The next year was traumatic. I won't go into the details.

Lawyers, NGOs, friends mediating. Not being allowed to meet my son. 

A very hurt and unforgiving ex-husband, a very disappointed ex-lover, parents in shock.

It seemed like I had wronged everyone. I still had no clue what to do.

Cut to: 4 years later. X and I are divorced. A and I have broken up. 

I feel like my life is a roller coaster, and I can't do anything, but ride on. 

I'm sometimes interested ONLY in men, sometimes ONLY in women, sometimes I'm clearly Interested in everyone. 

Two years ago, I heard the term pansexual. I thought that was what I was.

Today, I feel like I have absolutely no sexual interest in anyone. 

I love the romance, but hate the sex, my therapist feels I might be asexual, for now.

Twelve years ago, I was leading a quiet, happy life watching Star Movies, Nickelodeon and ESPN with husband and child.  

Today I'm a pot on the stove, boiling with rage and confusion.

My life is a mess, but I'm happy, honest and the most authentic I have ever been in my life.

Because I know that this is not the end my story.

But this is certainly the end of this chapter.