by Mirabai

(definitely not my real name)

A story in bullet points

  • I went to a girl’s school and was scared of boys

  • I went to a girl’s college and continued to be scared of boys

  • I preferred to be around girls and women, always

  • My family loved that I was scared of boy, that meant I was a very good girl

  • I didn't know a single gay person till I was in my 20s

  • At least not anyone that was openly gay (except on tv)

  • I loved my best friend and was heartbroken when she fell in love and got married

  • We were both 21.

  • But I thought all best friends felt like that, and was therefore natural

  • I was irritated by the presence of her husband and was terribly jealous of him

  • We continued to stay in touch for years even though we lived in different cities

  • Years later, it was best friend who introduced me to X.  Two couples at dinner.X was gentle and sweet, within 6 months of meeting him I liked being around him

  • X proposed and we got married after two years, we had a good time, mostly

  • Something was missing, something felt tragic, something felt incomplete

  • But I didn't know what. I only knew I yearned for something else even though I had a good life

  • We spent 8 good years together, I had many crazy thoughts and feeling sometimes, but then, who doesn't?

  • It was a good marriage and we had a 6-year-old son. We were as happy as I thought it was possible to be.

  • In the 9th year of our marriage, I met A, a firebrand woman, who was openly lesbian.

  • Never before had I encountered anyone like her.

  • We had a crazy sexual affair for one full year, it was my first sexual experience with a woman and the second of my entire life (first being X, the husband).

  • I had never even imagined anything like this, that this was even a possibility.

  • I confessed to X; he went nuts. The next year was traumatic. I won't go into the details.

  • Lawyers, NGOs, friends mediating. Not being allowed to meet my son. 

  • A very hurt and unforgiving ex-husband, a very disappointed ex-lover, parents in shock.

  • It seemed like I had wronged everyone. I still had no clue what to do.

  • Cut to: 4 years later. X and I are divorced. A and I have broken up. 

  • I feel like my life is a roller coaster, and I can't do anything, but ride on. 

  • I'm sometimes interested ONLY in men, sometimes ONLY in women, sometimes I'm clearly Interested in everyone. 

  • Two years ago, I heard the term pansexual. I thought that was what I was.

  • Today, I feel like I have absolutely no sexual interest in anyone. 

  • I love the romance, but hate the sex, my therapist feels I might be asexual, for now.

  • Twelve years ago, I was leading a quiet, happy life watching Star Movies, Nickelodeon and ESPN with husband and child.  

  • Today I'm a pot on the stove, boiling with rage and confusion.

  • My life is a mess, but I'm happy, honest and the most authentic I have ever been in my life.

  • Because I know that this is not the end my story.

  • But this is certainly the end of this chapter.